I See London

Spent a few days in Kobe’s Town.  Thoughts on the trade talk:
I don’t think it’s as simple as a bluff.  Because if it is a bluff, it’s a bad one.  Sure, he got everyone talking, but here’s problems with his conflicting statements:

a. If he’s doing it to gain leverage against the organization so they trade out everyone but Ronny for another superstar, he shouldn’t have made the second statement (the quasi-retraction).  In fact, he wouldn’t have.  Kobe’s too smart for that – if he staged this all to force a trade to get KG or another unsatisfied superstar, he would have stayed angry in public and in private told Phil or someone with the organization that he was conflicted.

b.  If he does truly want to be traded, he also wouldn’t have made the retraction.  Why the hell give them any room like that?  If he’s dead-set on leaving, why even worry about appeasing hometown fans with his mock warm fuzziness?

So why’d he make the second statement?  I think it comes down to image and legacy.  The second statement is a trumped up version of one of his baseline reverse dunks when down by 20 – it’s superfluous, except for its relation to The Book of Kobe.  It’s an afterthought, but it significantly changes the historical connotations of the trade demand.  People would like to posit this whole situation as: Kobe’s being a baby, he couldn’t get a ring on his own but he wants to make it seem like it was the organization’s fault.  But the second statement – and yesterday’s reporting from ESPN and the Times, inverts the scenario.  Flanked by a sympathetic Phil and an ILLOGICALLY sympathetic Shaq, Kobe transports back to ‘02 – before he was demonized for the Shaq trade and Colorado, back…when heeeee was younnnnnng (and looked a thing like Jesus).

So is Kobe just greedy and antsy about his legacy and tired of not getting past the 1st round despite being the best player in the league?  YES OBVIOUSLY.  But has he spun himself into a more proactive version of The Sympathetic KG?  Yep.  He knows the statements are conflicting – and he must enjoy it.  Because Kobe has NEVER seemed conflicted.  He’s always been driven and focused and conniving and these aspects have made him hate-able.  But now he garners sympathy by putting on this Lonely Blue Boy facade (even though he is still being focused and conniving).

So where does this fit in his legacy?  Well, in a day, he rewrote the last 3 years of his career, and shifted the placing of emphasis.  We see the last 3 years now as his fight to get a true supporting cast, not the slow, grinding anticipation of the role players reaching their potential.  All of the subplots have given way – Bynum’s apprenticeship, Odom’s ceiling – and the New Deal is this: the struggle behind the scenes has been astronomical and no one will ever know how much, but it overshadows what you saw on the court.  And, in particular, because kobe didn’t fire Shaq, as we always thought, all of a sudden his search for another superstar really is a struggle, not just him trying to atone for his mistakes.

So now, if he goes, it’s A New Hope.  And if he stays (and even if he gets KG or Kidd or Jermaine) the McGrady sympathy seems very likely to carry over to him, the most unsympathetic superstar in the league.  If Kobe never gets another ring, he’ll go out a martyr because of yesterday’s statements.  A week ago, most would say he needlessly squandered three years of his prime because of his ego.  Now it seems as though he was robbed.

Open Letter To Kanye West, Part 2

What the fuck?  Didn’t we already talk about this?  You already weren’t a good rapper (“sensitive” doesn’t rhyme with “emphasis,” Proust.  and how dare you pause in between that rhyme.  what you’re saying is I-R-relevant.  you don’t fucking pause for emphasis when there’s nothing to emphasize).

Where was I?  Oh yeah, you’re a shitty rapper.  And everyone’s tired of your personality except, like, Pharell, since you make him look kind of an interesting person.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, people don’t like you and you’re a shitty rapper.  So no one wants to hear you rap, especially not about how you’re so hated on all the time by everyone (we’re the haters, so there’s nothing new you can tell us).

But at least at one point you produced “Takeover” and “Guess Who’s Back?” (“TALK TO ME MANNN!”) and those were both Fu-Resh.  So you can at least give us the “Diamonds” beat even if the song was wack as fuck.

PSYCHE!!!!  Because you’re a shitty ass producer now too.  What’s this – 2 singles in a row that you straight ripped?  No one buys your Corn Dogs anymore so you just go jack Polow and Toomp?

“This is MY basketball!  I just let you guys play with it.”

Eat a dick.

Snoop A Loop

I agree with El Cid that Snoop’s Wire-y aspirations are silly and ludicrous.  However, I disagree with El Cid’s contentions that Snoop rests on his “Dre laurels” or has remade himself into an icon.  I also take offense to El Cid’s general distaste for Snoop and anything that threatens his Prop Joe/Bunk-filled Wire dreamscapes.  However I cannot be mad at El Cid, for his idealism in regards to fictional, televised worlds is something we share.

Some considerations though:

1. Season 5 is ostensibly about the media, and Snoop is one of the most famous gang members in the media of all time, and certainly his recent rap sheet additions have maintained his status as the most famous gang member of our time.

2. However, I’m guessing they’d only pull him in for a cameo – which would either be an OC-esque “Snoop is playing tonight!” where Snoop shows up at the strip club and Poot get some dome from an undercover who’s wearing a wiretap and McNulty and Daniels laugh along in the van outside.  Or it would just be like Snoop’s cameo in Playmakers where he shows up as Cuba Gooding Jr.’s brother’s brother and is a random subplot for an episode.  Both options are pallatable, neither is good.

3. If they want to work with Snoop and not entirely erase their legacy as the bestest show ever, I recommend two things: bite the whole fucking shotgun.  Snoop, recurring role, all season.  Maybe the dude who braids Prop Joe’s hair.  Whatever.  Or – give him 1 second.  Literally 1 second.  Some possibilities:

- A scene where Poot passes out testers and Snoop is running around fighting with Bubs over vials.

- Snoop as the janitor who cleans all the beer cans off the top of the Western.

- Snoop rolling by Snoop-like in the final montage.  1 second.  Seriously.

- Snoop as the new guy that Jimmy’s ex is dating.

- Snoop as both the good and bad angel on the other Snoop’s shoulder.  This scene would be less than 1 second though, since Killer Snoop doesn’t have angels on her shoulders, just blood.

Snoop dogg on the Wire?

Hell no. For those who dont rigidly follow the world of HBO, the irascible gangster cum rapper, has recently appeared on Entourage, and would now like to appear on the Wire (for the rather annoyingly brief MTV press relief click here). The very idea that he can hustle himself on to the show is ridiculous. Has he seen the show? He may be impressed, but this is not some vehicle for random rap stars to show off their shit and talk about the hood. In many ways, this is what Snoop dogg deserves. He’s spent the last decade remaking himself into an icon (hence why he appears on Entourage), resting on his Dre laurels, and generally turning himself into the unofficial face of marijuana (as well as being manned from Australia). His movie roles are primarily minor, and never good, largely because he mostly appears as himself, never letting his character overshadow his public image.

The Wire is home to several successful rap artist/actors, the most obvious being Methodman, as Prop Joe lieutenant, Cheese (Damn y’all some semper fi motherfuckers, where the Cheese go to sign up?), and Anwan Glover (Slim Charles), of Washington D.C.’s, Backyard Band, and Sunday night DJ fame. Of course, Furrypaws holds Slim Charles real identity to be Pusher of Clipse fame. The point is, that the Wire has some successful rappers as actors, but there is a reason Snoop is on Entourage, not on the Wire. There can really only ever be one Snoop on the Wire.

Remember My Name

Also, what the fuck is this Lebron/Darfur business and why does anyone give a fuck?

Serious. This is not some stay-of-execution that Mayor Lebron haphazardly tosses in the trash. This ain’t even an open letter to the UN or Bush or whatever. This is a letter calling for a temporary boycott of the Olympic games because the country hosting it trades with Sudan and currently elects to get paper instead of using their leverage to stop the genocide in Darfur.

So you’re saying Lebron endorses genocide because he doesn’t put his name on a lame open letter calling for a boycott because China is shady and opts to not boycott Sudan? It’s some pretty dirty shit but since China’s not the aggressor and is simply trading with them, Lebron’s absence from the letter doesn’t really mean shit.

Yet, if he did sign it, you know who would be the face of this thing? Lebron – the only Cav on the Olympic team – and all of a sudden, just for standing behind one of his teammates, he would be the center of the debate on a possible boycott of the Beijing games, which would never happen, especially not because of Sudan. Lebron, understandably, would not want to be in that position.

Last Niiiiiiiiiite

Yeah, whatever, should have been a foul.  But what the fuck sort of final play is that?  Considerations:

1. If The Mask is guarding you, why don’t you at least TRY to pick him off, early in the 24?

2. If you want the foul and you still have 8 seconds, why don’t you at least try to fake?

3. Why the fuck are your inferior teammates sitting under the rim when you’re DRIVING FOR THE WIN?  Shouldn’t you wave them back to nosebleeds for this play?

4. With that, when you’ve got separation and both Chaunce and Sheed in the left lane, why don’t you go right?

5. Rip wouldn’t have planted his feet on that play if the floor was wet cement.  Why don’t you run him the fuck over?

The Vitamin Water Curse

This isn’t so timely considering D. Wright’s recent prosperity, but back in April there was a pretty intersting trend with Vitamin Water endorsees. Like the Madden curse, except tasty as fuck.

Let’s run it down:

Tracy McGrady – commercials of him throwing a sheep start airing during the Jazz series (where he threweth too few sheep) and continue to air after he cries in a press conference and after, when he remains the best player in the game to do so shittily in the post-season, all-time.

David Wright – Ads started going up during his HR-less April. Yeah, go hit streak, whatever – when you’re the most trumped player on the team with arguably the most playoff potential in the league, you can’t go 30 days with no home runs. At least…

Big Papi – …hits ‘em long. All because of “Vitamin Water.” I saw him at the cafe the other day with some other “Vitamin Water” drinkers. He and Bonds and Canseco were really going to town on that “Vitamin Water.”

Brian Urlacher – Hasn’t played since his commercial started airing. But did get a hefty fine for wearing Vitamin Water apparel. AND CASH RULES EVERYTHING AROUND US…

Cream.

50 Cent – Well, now, I can’t diss the water. I LOVE FORMULA 50. And it definitely helped him. Really toughened him up. 50 man. Toughest dude alive. Have you heard “Amusement Park”? Straight gangsta. No seriously. So hard.

Who else we got? Oh yeah:

Me – Not endorsed yet. And fucking living L-I-F-E. No slumps in this kitchen.

Flow Ridin’

This is great.  Who better to go to for commentary on other players’ intricacies than Clinton Portis.  WTF was going on in ESPN offices this morning?  Were Jeff Garcia and all the holier-than-thou white guys not available?

“We need to get some player commentary on the fact that Vick sponsors dog fights”

“Oh, check it, Clinton Portis!”

Subway Idol

What the shit? That’s the most ridiculous shit ever – have you really ever heard opera in a subway car? Like, an actual opera singer/beggar, not one of those hags who lives on the Upper West Side and wears capris even though she’s pushing 3 bills and gets a perm every 3 days and buys lots of potted flowers and kids books?

The answer is no – never on a car. They only exist occasionally in stations, and even then it’s just Times Square and Grand Central, since the only people who would chill and listen to opera in a subway station are tourists. They should rename that contest: “Tisch Drop-Outs On E Who Annoy People In Select Subway Stations”. That’s some shit I could possibly get behind, especially if they involved the MTA cops somehow.

BUT I DIGRESS

Real talk, an actual Subway Idol competition would be kind of awesome.

Correction

By Tracy McGrady, I meant Vince Carter. The familial connection confused me. I plead the influence of Salty Ballz.