BaRon

via Freedarko via BasketballJones:

This man is unique.

Phil’s Labyrinth

AKA a basketball post title not graced with a rap lyric

AKA modernism in the shitter

Much has been made recently of Phil Jackson sleeping through Lakers games like, as I believe Simmons said, he was watching daytime TV.  There’s no question that this has been true and truly unnerving for those of us who would at least like our boys to leave this season with some measure of pride.

Well, Friday night’s game wasn’t really any different, and at least in the first quarter it got so bad that I was willing to even begin to listen to the undercurrent of au-revoir-Phil rumors going around.  D’Antoni’s flipping wigs like the local anesthetic wasn’t kicking on his colonoscopy…and Phil’s slow rolling in the cut.

But the Lakers’ victory that night flips every criticism of Phil on its head.  While D’Antoni was all hands on and brimstone, Phil was coaching entirely as a roster/matchup manager, which, last time I checked (5th grade, B team) was kind of a big part of a coach’s commitments.

Let me paraphrase my next points, for those worn out by this post’s Salad-like longwindedness: PHIL DUG HIS TEAM OUT OF EFFECTIVELY THE BIGGEST HOLE OF THE PLAYOFFS BY DOING SOME SHIT THAT BORDERED ON THE UNINTELLIGIBLE.

Trill

We probably should have inaugurated the “Lame Protests” tag back with Kid Genius’s early posts. But alas, let us repent:

“About 15 people marched from Lerner Hall to the Office of the Secretary yesterday to present the Chairman of the Board of Trustees, Bill Campbell, with a petition to protest the unclean environmental practices of Apple Computers.”

That thing you feel in the air? It’s revolution.

Things that bother me pt. 1 Kid Genius re-up

Those damn environmentalists that stand on the sidewalks near Columbia and accost everyone that walks by. They know no one has the time, they know everyone already gives them money, and they know your on their side, but they bother you anyway. They make you ashamed to be walking on your block. You lower your eyes and pretend to be really interested in the gradations of concrete. And then, like a charm, they come after you with some stupid line they’ve spent all week perfecting. Today was particularly obnoxious as I managed to steer clear of a girl with a blue clipboard who was merely the Scylla to an even worse Australian Charbydis who accused me of apathy. Then I went home and turned on the heat and the air conditioning at the same time, just to spite them.

In the good old days…

when Dailysalad wrote about words, ibiteyoureyes was attached to the eyebals, and Herman Furrypaws did not comment on the Bwog, I used to talk about snitches. But, O dear readers, we live in a new and strange world. Dailysalad now makes convoluted nautical euphemisms which may either refer to the first couple years of the Peloponnesian war or the early part of the Theban hegemony, ibiteyoureyes has bit the dust, and Mr. Furrypaws is currently closeted in a studio in East Baltimore, buying coke from an ex-Sprite executive. Therefore, I no longer feel the need to reveal snitches. Rather, with some help from ElCid, I’ve developed a guide to using rhetoric when addressing snitches. Its sort of like a do-it-yourself stopsnitchin kit.

Term one: Tricolon-from the Greek trikolos (three limbed) This one is relatively common, politicians like it a lot, its essentially just that art of coming up with three things that come together:

Snitch: I aint told nothing that important.
Rhetorically trained stop snitchin orator: Did you not know that to speak, to utter, and to even think to let loose thy flapping lips as to what goes on on the street constitute snitching?

Term two: Anaphora-(in Greek meaning rising or repetition)-repetition of the same word or words through each successive clause or phrase

Snitch: But I didnt mean to do nothing wrong.
Rhetorically trained stop snitchin orator: Indeed you did not. Yet, now there are no bonds between us, no bonds between you and your fellow men, no bonds remain to you, for you have sold yourself into the bonds of snitchery.

Term three: Antithesis-opposition, opposition or contrast of two ideas

Snitch: I’m still your boy.
Rhetorically trained stop snitchin orator: Therefore, is Cicero such a snitch, but that you are my friend?
(One must take into note any stop snitchin orators vehement opposition in order to make sense of this sentence)

You Ain’t A Pimp/You A Fairy

There are like 50 white chicks on the Barnard lawn right now spreading their love of African dance.  Currently they are digging into their souls for some of that freestyle wisdom.

In other news, Bulls and Lakers are going to win tonight.

Thou Shalt Show Some Class

Notes on opening weekend:

- Clearly, for both aesthetic and statistical reasons, HB&T prefer the Denver Thuggets over pretty much anyone but the Lakers or the Rockets. (EDITOR’S NOTE: the name “Thuggets” was not created by a Toaster, but rather a Cool Cat who Hangs around our House).  That said, we kinna expected that this series with the Spurs was gonna be pretty much dominated by The Boring Men of San Antone, since NO ONE wants to deal with SAS during the playoffs. Well, tonight what did we see? Spurs bringing the game to 4 points with :24 remaining and subsequently taking a huge shit all over themselves. This game was easily winnable and it only took some initiative from one of the Spurs many over-paid marquees. OOPS BITCHES! Changing our vote, officially – Nuggets in 7.

- A dozen more rebounds, a bunch less fouls. You know what song I’m bumping in the room on repeat? “Why Is Anyone Questioning The Bulls” by Me.

- Schatar is the craziest contestant on any reality show ever. On Sunday night she mosied her way into the HB&T Hall of Wayne.

- Pretty much everything that can be said about the first Lakers/Suns game has already hit the pavement. Kobe blew his wad too early and really fucked up in the 4th, Smush and Kwame have somehow managed to find new levels of low, and the “Jordan Farmar as Solid” is the second greatest first round subplot yet (more on the first in the next bullet). However, no one paused to think that the Lakers DID NOT ATTEND the second half of the game, and it was still relatively fucking close. Again, the Suns mortal weakness – playing down to competition. They should have ate cake all over us and thrown in scrubs with 9:52 remaining. Instead, it was a hard fought battle with a poor version of the weakest supporting cast among the playoff teams in the West. (also, no one said it, but Luke? LUKE? wow. if we get this sort of play from him every game, we might be looking at another 3-1 series).

- Finally, all praise the Oakland Warriors. Further proof that the Mavs are boring and overrated. Can you imagine someone flipping this shit on MJ’s Bulls 1.5 decades ago? They made the best team in the NBA not only play down but also play an entirely foreign game, and it worked. Look for another W in the second round by the Warriors when the Mavs try to readjust to their old game and get caught by 10 points at half because they’re still reeling from the Shock and Awe. Just wait.

- George Brett for Mayor.

To hell with the subaltern

Seriously. No more of this Spivak, can the subaltern speak, Dash Hammerskjold crash over India, because of the power of the feminizing of the orient shit. Imperialism is just such a rollickin good time. Take for example the 1939 movie Gunga Din, based on the poem of the same name by Rudyard Kipling. The story features the antics of three British soldiers, including a very young Cary Grant, possibly the only movie in history where he does anything not suave. Theres a sort of serious back plot about the re-emergence of the Thugs, but theres really no point to that. Its just a lot of good lines and slapstick humor about the army and manly love. At one point, Cary Grant is trapped within a temple, surrounded by thousands of ruthless killers, and he steps out singing about English roast beef. HBAT staff is sadly nostalgic for the British empire.

Fuck basketball

The polis rises towards the end of the eighth century BC. This was largely a development of the new hoplite class, small middle class landowners, wealthy enough to own their own armor, but little else. Thus the shift from aristocratic warfare, which centered around small groups of wealthy nobles who bore the brunt of fighting, to hoplite warfare, in which large masses of similarly armed troops were drawn up together in the phalanx. Thus, the city really begins to emerge with the demand for rights in government by these particular constituents. Its actually far more complicated than this, but this serves as a relatively good generalized model for the city’s emergence.

Hell Yeah

Unveiling the Hash Browns dark horse pick to win the NBA finals….. Van Gizzle, T-Mac, the big asian dude and the rest of the Houston Rockets.

Did I mention that T-mac=God, throwing the deceptive first half at the lame-ass Jazz and then outscoring them by 5 in the third quarter. Dreamy good looks, engaging demeanor and outrageous basketball skillz… T-mac just won’t be denied.